What doesn't kill you...kill it! before it does.

There is this moment in life, the absolute first, that you feel that a real fork road approaches on your path. Not one of those innocent ones that your mind creates those sleepless nights after a long and exhausting day at work. No. This fork road is dark on both sides, with uneven and damaged surfaces. No sign of soul and a void of absolute silence, suffocating all your heartbeats. A new kind of fear was born by seeing the view at the end of your blossomed path; endless unknown territories of dry land. But now you are not a child anymore, you mustn't fear. But you are truly shaking.

My latest years were blurred and boring. I had a job that many were discribing as a "dream job", but for me was just a demanding habit. While normal people were with their family and friends during weekends and festivities, i had to work. While many people were still sleeping early in the morning or late at night, i was awake getting ready to go to work or i was on my way returning home. More than once i found myself alone in a remote hotel room in a foreign country, watching the New Year's Eve through a cable tv eating a ready made sandwich. How pathetic.

Very few friends were able to keep in touch and follow my inconsistent working schedule, since most of the times i had to deny invitations and gatherings in order to get a much needed sleep. My phone rang rarely from one point on; mainly colleagues were calling to discuss about work or to arrange a coffee meeting. But how could i endure to talk about work even on my days-off? Since my first memories as a child, and as a teenager later on, i was always enjoying my alone time, i had a sincere and healthy relationship with myself. But now this secluded feeling of loneliness is rooting inside and smothering me. Valuable time was lost without evaluating my track, making it impossible to close this growing gap between myself and my every day life while being mentally worn out.

My body and soul were gradually zombified. My future self-projection was a sad image without dreams or expectations on the background. I couldn't feel anything anymore. At the end i couldn't even enjoy my day-off sleep. I was waking up like a spring, trying to catch up everything that was on hold during the days of work. This led through the years in a cummulative lack of energy and enjoyment. I wasn't happy anymore and i could feel it in my bones. My compulsions were flourishing together with the amount on my bank account. And because of that last part i should be excited right? Isn't this the norm? money making and spending? At least i could become a very good client for doctors and insurers in the future. Maybe we could be friends!

I was very good at my job, i had learned the know-hows and since i am an accomplisher by nature, it was expected. I had invested my 95% after all, how could i not be, i had sacrificed everything. I was always trying and studying to get even better, an endless cycle of self development. And all of this for an ultimate goal. The promotion who will bring me at the top of my career path was a breath away. But something was completely off.

A lunatic idea had broken into my mind. A self-defence mechanism of my soul, desperately trying to preserve it's existence. What if everything were brought down? What if i could just stop this crazy roller coaster of self-destruction, what will happen then? How my path could change? How much better my life could be? How i could imagine myself in the future? Am i happier inside this imaginary subspace wormhole?

What a crazy scheme was that? My soul couldn't follow my mind anymore. Was i scared of keep pushing and trying for my carreer milestone in the possibility of a failure after all these sacrifices? Had i just had enough? I cried for hours... The pressure was at it's pick. All these thoughts kept lingering on my mind leaving me unable to solve this riddle. I was helpless. My last resort was to save my drugged self by keep on going with what i knew best. Working, pushing and trying.

But i couldn't rest still anymore. I started questioning if the path i had already taken, which has brought me here in front of this dilemma, was a mistake in the first place. I started questioning every decision, every move i made by going backwards, rethinking my past decisions and suddenly i realised that i have rewinded 11 whole years. So many years...

I have to make a choise, i thought. Obviously. The fork road is closer than ever before and the option of me falling apart, crashing in the middle will be such a waste. So i continued straight forward, facing the fear, caressing my upset stomach and my trembling hands. Keeping the pace, i was aiming for a so desired clue that will show me the right direction, even on the very last moment. I was the only controllable factor after all.

Unfortunately the plan didn't work. Without signs and directions, i had to choose blindly the most suitable path while my self was having it's own internal battle; a battle against unknown fears and unsolved riddles of the life i was living and the one i was longing to live. And if all of these weren't enough, suddenly in the middle of the fork road a hungry beast appeared. It was like a slap in the face. Shinning yellow eyes, sharp teeth and a disgusting breath of blood and flesh, ready to grab a hand or a foot, taking advantage of my situation. I lost an arm on the final seconds of the process, bleeding to death for the first miles. My family and some friends helped me to regain my consciousness and strength. They treated all of my wounds, including those that I hid as I was ashamed to reveal. I was in shock, wearing an emotionless gaze i was trying to find my missing pieces. A total failure.

Unacceptable result. This could not be happening to me. Everything was programmed to guide me towards this so much desired outcome. I sacrificed everything to reach this absolute goal even my own self, my happy moments. My life. Wasn't it enough? At the end the only thing created was a deep dark hole sucking me in with strength bigger than my own. What could i have done differently or better? Was it my fault?

A couple of months passed balancing in a seesaw of resigning and dismissal but i couldn't care less at that point. I had managed to find new interests, i was feeling more relaxed and the haze in my mind had gradually dissolved since i could finally sleep restfully. I managed to find an answer with a logical meaning by facing myself sincerely without excuses; and it was so simple that could drive me crazy. An imponderable factor "x", where by controlling my own efforts and actions, the external factors were not necessarily following alongside the same course. There was no interconnection. Simple as that. And as a result, i was unable to change the outcome as i had no further influence. Or maybe i was simply exhausted of all the effort. I bet all in recklessly without thinking what would be left if i was to loose. I thought that by giving my 95% nothing could go wrong. I was so naive. And just like that i was left with a merely shattered 5% trying to put my self together.

The turning point is here. I fought with my demons and even if i was severely wounded, i kept on breathing tracing a new path. Positively thinking, that was still a success. But the battle wasn't over yet. As no path was selected, the beast "door keeper" was still out there and now had arrived on my front door, making sounds and noises, willing to finish me off at any moment. Eat or be eaten, i thought. I need to brake free! With my last remnants of strength and courage gathered together i rushed outside for the final battle. I had nothing left to loose anymore! Once i opened the door, a flash of blinding light shined behind me! it's warmth was redemptive and healing; suddenly i felt my body floating weightless like a feather in the wind, as it absorbed the light. All the shadows and fears annihilated instantly as the light beams spread, together with the furious beast who shattered in a million pieces.

Unbelievable! I was finally free! And my eyes were filled with tears of joy.

Now, as i am still in my healing process, evaluating everything that happened and all that i've been through, i believe that it was totally an unavoidable situation but it was totally worth it. I was a prisoner of my own life in a cell i was created and implemented every single day. The ultimate self trap; self-evolved and not easily detected.

Taking as a given that everything is not for everyone in a given time; even if i was good at this job, because i had learned how to be good giving a lot of effort through the years, it wasn't necessarily the right choice for me in the long run, based on how i had imagined my life. I have tried to change my working methods a couple of times but simply didn't work for me, in order to have the desired outcome. After all i was in the edge of loosing myself completely in the process. There is no point to say what if i could try harder.

For that reason i can now say out loud that i was brave, i did my best, i have no regrets and i am ready to start filling this beautiful blank page in front of me with bright colours and happy moments together with my loved ones. And maybe one day, if i have also a bit of luck on my side, i will be able to say "i am everything i had imagined".

Share your fears and battles and may you become stronger!